#282: Sending yourself emails to do stuff in the future

It’s good getting along with Future You.  Whether it’s all-caps screaming to pick up the milk, terse finger-wagging reminding you to hit the gym, or polite memos to your Work Self to staple that important pamphlet tomorrow, well the point is that you’re making plans and pledging to get the job done. (Source here)

Yeah, because when no one ever emails you, you might as well fake it. Loser.

Yeah, email is the worst–just too convenient, ecofriendly and revolutionary for me!  Please, take your Motorola Razr and your 12 year old bride and get back to your cave.  Asshole.

Sending yourself emails to do stuff in the future….STILL AWESOME!

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#283 Eating the thing you’re cooking while cooking it


And hey, come on — eating the thing you’re cooking while cooking it really is good for everyone. See, nobody likes a Saltless Surprise, so it’s good for the cook to perform these vital Tongue Tests early and often to ensure a tasty, tasty, tasty, tasty, tasty, tasty meal.  (Source here)

Yeah, way to sneak in a pre-meal before the real meal, FATTY.  It wouldn’t hurt to wait a few minutes before you shovel that nacho cheese sauce down your gullet.


I’m pretty sure small, pre-meals are called appetizers.

And appetizers are fucking STILL AWESOME!

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#284 When the chapters in the book you’re reading are really short

And come on, don’t short chapters help us all feel a little like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Twins? Honestly, when you’re flipping pages fast, cracking that spine hard, and blazing through the book so quickly… well, it sure feels good, it sure feels great.  (Source here)

Yeah, God forbid you actually spend some time reading and not catching up on Glee reruns.  And let’s be honest pop-up books don’t actually have chapters to begin with.


You know who reads pop-up books? Four year olds. But I’m sure your bookshelf was just littered with fucking Tolstoy at that age. Also, using G-d’s name in vain in the same sentence as a “Glee” reference. You know where you’re going for that one.

Short Chapters… STILL AWESOME!

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#285: Your skin

People, skin is the largest organ in our bodies and unlike those brown, slippery things stuffed underneath your rib cage, it actually has to look good doing the job. It’s bigger than the next four — your liver, large intestine, small intestine, and brain — and covers you from top to bottom to get everything done, day after day, month after month, year after year.   Thanks for being there, skin.  (Source here)

Yeah, not if your face looks like pepperoni pizza and it’s the day of your high school prom.  But don’t worry, your cousin is still going with you.  Loser.


Look, some of us came from very religious families and the only way we were allow to go to prom was if we went with our older, unemployeed cousin who lives in Yaya’s basement who told us that we had to let him touch our swimsuit places or he’d tell Yaya that I did whip-its in the parking lot right before they played “Closing Time.”

God, why can’t you mind your own fucking business.  You’re dumb and skin is….STILL AWESOME!

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